Happy Friday, lovelies! This post comes out of an email I received from a mother of the bride asking for a bit of etiquette advice in planning her daughter’s shower. Having come across some sticky situations with regard to the financial side of bridal showers and hen parties over the years, I thought it would be a good one to discuss. Because, let’s be honest, none of us like to talk about money, but it can cause all kinds of unpleasantness.
In talking etiquette, I find it really helpful to go back to the principles on which the rules are based. The key ones here are:
- Hosting: The rule is that if you host an event, you pay for it.
- Gifts: Generally, guests attending an event where they are expected to give a gift should not have to pay for themselves as well.
- Consideration: In situations where guests are expected to pay, the organiser should always take their budget into account. Aim towards the lower end of the scale, not the highest. Let people know costs upfront, and allow them the opportunity to withdraw. When the costs are shared, you need to be democratic.
Hen Parties/Bachelorette Nights:
In general these days, costs for hen parties are broken up per head. Guests contribute the cost of their activities, their dinners, their drinks and, if it’s a weekend, accommodation and travel costs. It isn’t a hosted activity (although it may be organised by the bridal party) so this is generally acceptable. Gifts shouldn’t be expected. If there are decorations and goodie bags, the bridal party will usually cover these.
The single biggest mistake I have seen bridesmaids make is in getting carried away and organising a spectacular event that is out of budget for some (or even many) of the guests. I know you want to spoil the bride, but what will really spoil things for her is if nobody attends outside of the bridal party because they can’t afford it. NEVER make anyone who declines for financial reasons feel guilty. I’ve seen this done and it is the WORST.
Some organisers nowadays seem to expect the guests to not only pay their share but split the cost of the bride as well. I don’t like this, I’ll be honest. It’s a sweet gesture, but it should never be an obligation. Accept contributions when offered, and (if you do want to treat the bride) split the remainder between the bridal party.
Bridal Showers/Kitchen Teas:
The key difference between showers and hen nights (apart from the tequila shots, obvs) is that generally guests will be expected to bring gifts to a shower. For this reason, it is usually a hosted event. And what does that mean? Yup, that’s right – the guests don’t pay for themselves. The shower might be hosted by the bridal party or a friend of the bride or her family, often at their home, and the host provides food and refreshments, as well as décor. Depending on the budget, a shower can be as simple or as elaborate as you like, but a couple of cost cutting tips are to keep numbers low and to split costs between the bridesmaids. The MoB and the groom’s mother should never be asked outright to contribute financially, but if they offer, then it’s perfectly fine to accept.
The question of who hosts, is an important one. As I mentioned, a friend or bridesmaid is ideal. Generally, family members are discouraged from hosting, because it’s poor taste for someone to be seen to ask for gifts for their relation. Realistically, there will be times when a mom or a sister is going to want or need to do the hosting – follow what common sense dictates (but make sure that gifts aren’t mentioned, even though guests will probably bring them anyway).
But WHAT IF you’re planning a bridal shower in a restaurant? Should the host still pay? Well… this is where it gets tricky. Technically, yes. But I know in real life, it’s not always going to be practical. Ideally, if nobody is prepared to host at the restaurant or venue (and by host, I mean pay), then you should keep it simple and go back to the idea of a tea at a private home or limit the guest list. But another option is to sort of combine the idea of a shower and a hen night (co-ordinate the two if a hen night is already planned, so there aren’t two separate events that the same guests have to pay for). Plan it for the late afternoon (so it can go on into the hen party), take gifts out of the equation, and be sure to consider your guests’ budget when you choose the location as well as letting them know in good time what it will cost. Emily Post probably wouldn’t approve, but I think it’s a good compromise, and it takes guests’ expectations into account.
As I said, when in doubt, go back to first principles. Etiquette is based on respect and consideration, and if you can show that for your bride and the guests, then you’ve followed the most important rule of all ;)
Image sources – Top: Talia Events/Becky Young Photography via Ruffled; Above: Sutherland Kovach via Magnolia Rouge
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FAQs
In short, the host is the one who pays for the bridal shower—or at least some of it. Most commonly, this is the maid of honor, but the couple's relatives, friends or even the to-be-weds themselves can all pitch in to cover the cost of the wedding shower.
Who pays for a bridal shower and hens? ›
The hosts pay for a bridal shower, whether it is the bride's or bridesmaids' family. For a hen party, usually, each attendant pays for themselves, and they split the cost of the bride.
Who usually pays for the hen's night? ›
Traditionally, the bride won't pay for anything on the night. It's a celebration to honour her future new status, so the cost should be divvied up between the guests and not her. This is something that should always be brought up first with the guests, as some may not be able to afford an extravagant weekend away.
Who is financially responsible for a bridal shower? ›
Modern bridal shower etiquette states that the shower host is responsible for paying for it.
Who usually pays for the hen party? ›
Typically, the deposit that needs to be paid for the hens party package would be covered by the bridal party, by the bridesmaids or Maid of Honour paying upfront for their cost. The rest of the invitees then pay the chief bridesmaid their per head cost.
Does the brides mom pay for the bridal shower? ›
In short, the host is the one who pays for the bridal shower—or at least some of it. Most commonly, this is the maid of honor, but the couple's relatives, friends or even the to-be-weds themselves can all pitch in to cover the cost of the wedding shower.
Should a mother-in-law go to a hen party? ›
Only wedding guests should be invited to the hen party, and family invitations are a matter of personal choice – the mother (and future mother-in-law) of the bride may choose to attend the more genteel and sedate proceedings that characterise the start of many hen parties, such as an afternoon tea or spa session, ...
What does the maid of honor pay for? ›
"We often see the maid of honor assist in covering the cost of the bridal shower (often in conjunction with a family member of the bride), covering her own costs and some of the costs of the bride for the bachelorette party (in conjunction with the rest of the bridesmaids), her own travel to and from the wedding, a ...
How much does the average hen party cost? ›
The cost of a hen party is going to vary greatly depending on various factors. A market leader in arranging hen parties estimated the average cost of a UK hen party to be £200 in 2019. Hard Days Knight, which organises hen parties in the Peak District, has packages priced from £99 to £279.
What is the difference between a bridal shower and a hen do? ›
A bridal shower is not the same as a hen party; this is an event you'll throw in addition to the hen. A bridal shower is a daytime event in which the close female relatives of the bride - and sometimes of her partner - join her friends to celebrate the upcoming wedding with gifts and fun games.
Traditional etiquette dictates that the maid of honor—not the mother of the bride—should host the shower. Nancy is a freelance writer for MarthaStewart.com. Some etiquette rules were meant to fade away into oblivion, like the one about family members of the bride not hosting her bridal shower.
What is a normal budget for a bridal shower? ›
That works out at $300 to $800 for a 20-person party but can go as high as $150 per person or $3,000 for a 20-person shower. Based on these estimates and an average bridal shower guest list of 35-50 people, a reasonable budget for a bridal shower is between $350 and $7,500.
What do the groom's parents pay for? ›
The groom's family traditionally paid for all costs associated with the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon, wedding day transportation, and the officiant. The groom paid for the bride's engagement ring, wedding ring, and groomsmen gifts. It is also common for the groom's family to pay for the alcohol at the reception.
Do you get the bride a gift for the hen party? ›
For many brides, the hen celebration is gift enough, but an extra present to signify one of the most important events of her life will always be appreciated.
Do guests pay for a hen party? ›
The General Etiquette
Whilst there's no hard and fast rule, tradition dictates that the bridesmaids and the other attendees cover the cost of the bride's place on her hen weekend.
Why are hen parties so expensive? ›
Many are now planned over a whole weekend, with a packed schedule of activities and international travel. Best men and bridesmaids now need to be logistical experts, arranging everything from flights to fun, booze to food, taxis to beds. And as these parties have grown in length and complexity, the costs have rocketed.
How much should I expect to pay for a bridal shower? ›
That works out at $300 to $800 for a 20-person party but can go as high as $150 per person or $3,000 for a 20-person shower. Based on these estimates and an average bridal shower guest list of 35-50 people, a reasonable budget for a bridal shower is between $350 and $7,500.
Is the bride supposed to pay for the hen do? ›
I've never been on hen do where there was any other expectation other than the bride, and every else pays their own equal share. I've only even heard of it on here that some hen dos are expected to cover the cost of the bride, I think it's unnecessary and weird.
Is the maid of honor responsible for paying for the bridal shower? ›
According to AJ Williams, founder and creative director of AJ Events, the responsibility of hosting and paying for the bridal shower these days tends to fall on the maid of honor and bridal party, though she has seen an increase in the number of bridal showers handled by a male best friend or a close friend of the ...
Do all bridesmaids help pay for bridal shower? ›
As for who pays for the bridal shower? This is another expense some bridesmaids—and most commonly, the maid of honor—pick up. This is only true, however, if they are throwing or hosting the event independently. Ultimately, there aren't hard and fast rules about who hosts and pays for the bridal shower these days.
