Published in · 3 min read · Feb 16, 2023
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In my school years and early working life I was acutely aware of my quietness. The more this was highlighted to me the more conscious of it I became.
I remember being in a particular meeting (it’s funny how the most apparently insignificant memories can be so signifiant). Anyway, after the meeting the chair of the meeting and also my boss, said to me “you were very quiet in there”. That was enough to send me into a spiral of self-doubt.
It wasn’t until I was well established in my career that I understood I wasn’t shy, weird or incompetent. Up until that point though the pieces of my personality jigsaw didn’t fit together. Talk about square peg round hole!
But what impact will asking an introvert why they are so quiet have on them because it’s a common question that many extroverts often ask?
Firstly, let’s not chastise the chatty humans. They’re curious and in most cases mean us no harm. But, while this question is usually asked with good intentions, it can have a significant impact on the introvert and how they react to this curiosity.
One of the reasons why people ask introverts why they are so quiet is that they want to make conversation with them. Extroverts are often outgoing and talkative, and they assume that everyone should be the same way. They’re often asking because they want to initiate a conversation and get to know us better.
Another reason why people ask introverts why they are so quiet is that they may perceive our quietness as a sign of shyness or anxiety. People often assume that introverts are shy or socially awkward, and they may think that asking us why we’re so quiet can help us feel more comfortable in social situations.
But asking an introvert why they are so quiet can have a negative impact on them. Introverts don’t like being in the spotlight, we often need time to process our thoughts and feelings, and we prefer to listen and observe before speaking. When someone asks us why we’re so quiet, it can make us feel uncomfortable and put us on the spot. In turn this heightens our anxiety and we’re less likely to participate in the conversation.
Another downside of asking this question is that it can also make us feel like there is something wrong with us. The word ‘Why’ can bring with it negative and challenging connotations. In our world quiet is perfectly normal but when our normal is challenged our introspection goes into overdrive.
We’re aware that we’re quieter than others, but we don’t see this as a problem. When someone asks us why we’re so quiet, it can make us feel abnormal or that there is something wrong with us, and this can be damaging to our self-esteem.
Our reaction to this perceived challenge can emerge in a number of ways. Some introverts may feel embarrassed and withdraw from the conversation, while others may feel defensive and lash out. In some cases, introverts may simply avoid social situations altogether, which can have a negative impact on their mental health and well-being.
While asking an introvert why they are so quiet is well-intentioned, it’s a potentially harmful question.
Let’s share some feels here though for our extrovert counterparts because it’s a conundrum. What are they to do?
Trying a more gentle approach that respects an introverts natural tendencies and avoiding the missile approach is a good starter for ten.
If you notice us quiet ones, know that we are very much keeping up with the conversation. Watch our body language, notice the curiosity in our facial expressions. You can literally see us thinking. Give us time and then try to initiate a conversation in a way that allows us to participate on our own terms. Asking open ended questions such as “What do you think about…” and “What are your observations on….”. You’re more likely to appeal to our curious nature. But take note, there may be a few seconds lag while we organise our thoughts and prepare to share.
